Faith and Fear
by Marcus S. Lazarus
Summary: The Doctor reflects on his decision to leave his companions -"God Complex" Spoiler-


Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognise

Feedback: Appreciated as always

AN: After "God Complex", I felt inspired to do this quick one set as the Doctor departs- I know it's short notice but I've been away and moving recently-; there's a slight Doctor/Amy element, but I can't help it if I think they have a great connection

Faith and Fear

It was always the same.

When he became _particularly _close to one companion... he always found himself forced to destroy them.

He'd had to abandon Susan to give her a chance at life that had fallen apart with the new Dalek invasions, Jamie and Donna had lost all memory of their time together, Sarah had never been able to have any kind of normal life after he had parted company from her, Romana's attempt to improve Gallifrey had destroyed everything she was even before the Time War, Tegan had been left with nothing but a tumour after their time together was over, Evelyn had been forced to give her life to stop his enemy, Charley had become so unstuck in time there was _nowhere _secure for her to go in the end, Rose had lost her entire world, and Ace...

He bowed his head, the memory of what he'd done to his beautiful near-daughter feeling like she'd stabbed him in both hearts all over again.

Even knowing what she had become, what he'd done to her to stop Fenric hurt the most; she'd done nothing but believe in him even when she defied him constantly, and he'd dismissed her as an emotional cripple that he'd never cared for.

And he'd gone and done it again, to the woman whose only crime was believing in him after she'd helped him retain his identity in such a devastating moment of his history that he would have sacrificed everything he believed in if she hadn't been there.

Even if he hadn't attacked _her _on this occasion, the results were still the same; he'd taken something that she'd believed in beyond

For that action alone, he'd wanted to keep her with him for as long as possible...

But he couldn't.

As much as he already missed them, he _couldn't _go back.

Even without the fact that their time with him had already resulted in Rory being temporarily erased and subsequently left with centuries of memories that he hadn't asked for- it had been one of the few times he'd thought about asking Jack for some of that 'retcon' he'd told him and Martha about; he disapproved of the ethics, but some people _needed _to forget somethings-, he'd destroyed so much of Amy's life already; he couldn't take the chance that he'd cost her any more.

He'd deprived her of her childhood as she waited for him... her daughter had been taken to be used as a weapon against him... he'd nearly ruined her marriage...

And the worst part was that a part of him had _wanted _to do that last one.

Mad, impossible, compassionate, _fantastic_ Amelia Pond, who'd seen the old mad man in a box and forgiven his terrible driving skills, who'd believed in him even when trapped in a forest of Angels, who'd led the debates with the Silurians for peace even when nobody could have blamed her for wanting them dead, who'd brought him back into existence when all seemed lost...

It would be _so _easy to lose himself in her faith...

But he couldn't forget that he wasn't worthy of it.

What he'd seen in that door...

Even after so long- even after that disorientating encounter with the Dream Lord and the cold star-, that black-robed figure standing in the TARDIS, glaring mockingly at him, bodies lying around the blood-red console room, his oldest companion twisted to fit the perverted dreams of the part of himself that he had always sought to deny...

He wouldn't let that win.

And he would _not _risk his companions falling victim to it again.

The Dream Lord had been dangerous, but he was still limited; if... _that_... ever went after Amy...

It was best that she never have to face the possibility of meeting something so dangerous.

"Goodbye, Amelia Pond," he said, staring grimly at the empty TARDIS, the faint telepathic echoes of her presence in his ship so intense he could almost convince himself that she was still here if he closed his eyes. "Be fantastic."

Then he lowered his head over the console and began to sob, the comforting hum of his oldest friend for the first time a poor substitute for the warm arms that he wanted to be there for him.

To save her life, he had destroyed the faith of the woman he would have never stopped fighting to prove himself to, and now he was left alone without any chance to show her how sorry he was...

* * *

><p>AN 2: Any guesses as to what- or rather, <em>who<em>- the Doctor saw in his room?

I'll just say this; it's my favourite villain from the classic series who REALLY didn't appear enough in the show...


End file.
